And then …

Web Designers vs. Web Developers

From http://sixrevisions.com/infographs/web-designers-vs-web-developers/ :

Yup, it seems I picked the right side.

A draggable queen

 

Overhead at #asp

Episode 1 - Mongo DB Is Web Scale

 

… and this is why people that write code for a living can’t stand posseurs spewing out nonsense about the next great web technology out there.

Thanks to @morgajel for finding this video.

$52 and that’s my final offer

Thanks to @Pytte for showing me this.

Pushing paper fail

Image via Wikipedia

I just wrapped up a clerical nightmare that took over four months to sort out. Here’s some background information:

1. People born in the US Commonwealth of Puerto Rico (like myself and my wife) are born United States citizens. We are required to have a Social Security number, we pay taxes, etc.
2. Travel between Puerto Rico and any other US state of possession is no different than travel between say, Virginia and Maryland. The only real issues are things like US Department of Agriculture restrictions on things that can be brought into the Continental US like certain agricultural products.
3. Many states have implemented citizenship checks at the time of issuing IDs and driver licenses. This is no different than the US requiring proof of citizenship before issuing a passport.

Now here comes the fun part:

The Commonwealth of Puerto Rico was pressured into voiding any birth certificates issued before October of this year. If you hold a birth certificate issued anywhere in Puerto Rico with the old style used before October 2010, then the Commonwealth can’t certify that it is legitimate because of its obsolete watermarking, seals, etc. This means for example that the People’s Republic of Virginia would not take my pristine, kept in the safe, birth certificate that they issued me back in the 1990s in order to renew my driver’s license. At least after September 30, 2010.

This of course flared my paranoia, so as soon as I heard about this back in May I immediately placed an order for two copies of my birth certificate, two copies of Ivette’s.

Then the wait started.

By August I was starting to freak out. And still, no birth certificates. I asked around and heard that the whole thing had turned into a huge mess, seems everyone *cough* asked for certificates at the same time, instead of *cough* only the people that *cough* really needed one. I went back to pr.gov and checked on the status of my two orders: both were hung because they were missing proof of ID.

I resubmitted the IDs, then noticed that the Commonwealth had added expedited service through a company called VitalCheck. Since by then I was freaking out, I ordered two more certificates for myself, two for Ivette at a very horrible markup.

Then more waiting. And no certificates from either source.

By late August I said to hell with it. My driver’s license would need to be renewed in early 2011, so I would need my proof of citizenship before Ivette needs hers. And I still had a 100% legitimate birth certificate in my hands, which was good until at least September 30. I ran to the post office and requested a US passport, something I have had procrastinated for over a decade.

Now it becomes infuriating: it took me 5 minutes or so to fill my application online, another minute to print it at home and maybe half an hour waiting in line to submit the application and take my two pictures. The clerk was extremely understanding, and I was not the only one rushing to get a passport done before the certificates expired. And less than one fucking month after I filed for it, I had both the passport and passport card.

And still, no birth certificates. It is absolutely unbelievable that it is easier to get a US passport done, without paying one cent for expedited service, than it is to get copies of birth certificates from Puerto Rico. Un-fucking-believable.

Since I had my passport done, I stopped worrying about it. Virginia will take a US passport as proof of citizenship, but I was still really annoyed at all of the money I wasted ordering certificates I never received. I was *this* close to calling my credit card company and contesting the four orders (two original certificate orders, two VitalCheck orders) when the VitalCheck orders arrived in the mail today. It took VitalCheck close to two months to generate four sheets of paper on pretty paper, unique serial numbers and watermarks.

And I am still waiting for my original two orders from back in frickin June!

Unbelievable in this day and age that it would take a US possession over five fucking months to print out four sheets of paper. And worse, I knew the folio addresses (the actual physical locations of the records) for both Ivette and myself, so it is not like they would need to research the location of our original birth records. with these folio addresses they could look up either of us on the spot. But no, there is no choice to request it by folio number, because that would be too easy.

UPDATE

Here’s some more food for thought:

Ivette’s friend asked her sister to go to the records office in Puerto Rico to request hers in person. The sister has three kids, since she needed fresh copies for her three kids she thought she could simply walk in and order these plus one for her sister. She had to go to the records office at 5:00 AM and was the 60th person in line. The records officer did not accept the request letter because the wording was wrong, then they told her she could only request two certificates in one transaction, which meant she would need to wait until 5:00 AM the next day to stand in line just to request the certificate for kid #3.

Related articles

• Puerto Ricans can use birth certificates 1 more month before they're voided under security law (foxnews.com)
• Puerto Rican Troops Need New Birth Certificates (vamortgagecenter.com)
• Katy S: Ohio restricting Puerto Rican birth certificates - Yahoo! News (news.yahoo.com)
• PennDOT Announces Latest Change in Accepting Puerto Rican-Issued Birth Certificates as Credentials for Driver's Licenses/ID Cards (prnewswire.com)
• Puerto Rico birth certificates soon not accepted at Motor Vehicle Commission (nj.com)
• PR extends deadline for voiding birth certificates (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
• Identity Thieves Target Puerto Ricans (identitytheftprotection.net)
• PR extends deadline for voiding birth certificates (sfgate.com)

ISO: medium to senior level Web Applications Developers, DC region and/or telecommuting

My employer, who runs the most kickass, greatest little web shop in the DC Metro area, is now looking for one or more programmers to add to our band of misfits. This is a permanent, full-time (not contract) position. The company is based in the DC metro area with locations in Old Town Alexandria, Fairfax, Reston, Baltimore and the Maryland backwoods where the Blair Witch is rumored to still be roaming about.

What we want:

1. “Programmers” that grok programming, not somebody that is proficient in one language and can’t deal with anything else.
2. Our weapon of choice is ASP.net. This is not a requirement for hire, but you must learn it in a reasonable time. Our last hire walked in with solid programming experience and literally zero knowledge of .net, and he had no trouble whatsoever picking it up (it was actually a bit scary how fast he learned it).
3. We are all proficient in generic (ANSI) SQL, not specialized in one given flavor. We want people that understand SQL well enough to switch between products with minor adjustments. The idea here is that a programmer needs to understand relational databases, and he/she must really understand ANSI SQL as a language instead of only knowing enough SQL to survive in SQL Server or Oracle.
4. Troubleshooting skills are critical, there is no way around this. If you can’t troubleshoot, we don’t want you.
5. Communication skills are critical. Our programmers deal with customers directly, and can’t afford to fall back on the project manager. We ride the phones a lot, it is a reality of life for our line of business. If you are the kind that doesn’t like to talk on the phone or that can’t write coherent emails, please don’t bother.
6. 99% of the programming that we do requires a high degree of autonomy with very little supervision. Our ideal programmers understands how to fill-in the blanks from general guidelines. If you need every deliverable broken into 20 bullet points stating every little thing, this is not the kind of job for you.
7. We are BUSY and we frown on clock punchers. Our boss has a really simple way to deal with grumpy overworked programmers: he throws money at us until we shut up. Expect to work like hell and be rewarded handsomely for it. To offset this, we have a really kickass flex schedule which relies heavily on our ability to operate autonomously.
8. We are process-oriented to a fault, which is one of the reasons why we are so popular with our customers. What to an outsider looks like an infuriatingly detailed process/plan/etc. is a carefully crafted masterpiece that is the product of our combined skills and experience dealing with that situation in particular. Chaotic people that like to run around like chickens with their heads cut off don’t need to apply.
9. We pride ourselves in our ability to overcome any technical hurdle. Our customers keep coming back to us because instead of saying that something cannot be done, we are ready and able to offer them multiple alternative approaches.
10. Individuals that show initiative and an autonomous streak while keeping in mind the big picture. Notice how I keep saying autonomous instead of independent. The idea is not to let one programmer carry a project alone, but it is important to let the programmer know that micromanagement will not be tolerated.

What you get:

1. Challenging work. We will give you migraines from the puzzles that you have to deal with.
2. We are busy in the middle of a recession. While others don’t know where the next project is coming from, we are always wondering how we are going to fit one more project.
3. We have a very tight technical team, and our management speaks geek. The good news is this means that management usually understands whatever technical approach you are trying to pitch. The bad news is that it is almost impossible to get away with a bluff on technical merits.
4. Very competitive compensation, including quarterly bonuses paid based on billable work (the more you bill, the bigger the bonus), not on performance appraisals that are adjusted against a Bell curve behind your back.
5. The usual health, etc. that everyone else gets.
6. 100% telecommuting. Right now we are scattered over the mid Atlantic states. We have had employees on both coasts, basically it all depends on your specific workload. The company provides laptop, VoIP phone, company card, etc.
7. Flexible scheduling. Again, this depends on specific workload.

How the interviewing process works:

1. You will send me or one of my peers your resume/CV and cover letter.
2. ???
3. PROFIT

If you are interested, please send me your resume and cover letter and we’ll take it from there. Principals only, please.

The biased history lesson

Sep 14 14:20:27 <carlsb3rg>    how much do safari and chrome share?
Sep 14 14:20:49 <VP|bofh>    webkit
Sep 14 14:21:08 <VP|bofh>    chrome is webkit plus a tiny bit of js engine that traces to firefox
Sep 14 14:21:27 <VP|bofh>    it's part of a coordinated fuck you attack to the mozilla foundation
Sep 14 14:21:31 <carlsb3rg>    heh
Sep 14 14:21:35 <VP|bofh>    you know about that, right?
Sep 14 14:22:04 <carlsb3rg>    didn't know they were actively trying to kill mozilla together
Sep 14 14:22:05 <VP|bofh>    mozilla spent years fighting microsoft, showing people it could be done
Sep 14 14:22:05 <carlsb3rg>    hehe
Sep 14 14:22:10 <VP|bofh>    while netscape died
Sep 14 14:22:12 <VP|bofh>    and AOL let it die
Sep 14 14:22:23 <VP|bofh>    then Apple came and said well fuck, we need us an open source browser
Sep 14 14:22:37 <VP|bofh>    the obvious choice was to give moz a gazillion to enhance firefox
Sep 14 14:22:48 <VP|bofh>    instead they said fuck mozilla, and sponsored KHTML instead
Sep 14 14:23:01 <VP|bofh>    the mozilla people went watch how Apple fucks KHTML and doesn't honor the license...
Sep 14 14:23:11 <VP|bofh>    Apple went here world, we give you Safari
Sep 14 14:23:30 <VP|bofh>    then said here world, we give KHTML all the source code to webkit to put back into KHTML
Sep 14 14:23:34 <VP|bofh>    and Moz said ...
Sep 14 14:23:43 <VP|bofh>    and KHTML went OMFG
Sep 14 14:23:51 <carlsb3rg>    lol
Sep 14 14:23:59 <VP|bofh>    then a while later Google thought fuck, we need a browser
Sep 14 14:24:07 <VP|bofh>    let's go sponsor an open source project...
Sep 14 14:24:21 <VP|bofh>    and mozilla went here it comes, we'll finally avenge the KHTML snub
Sep 14 14:24:29 <carlsb3rg>    I actually used konqueror quite a bit in my linux phase
Sep 14 14:24:33 <VP|bofh>    Google put it in a spreadsheet
Sep 14 14:24:44 <VP|bofh>    here's moz, and the tiny bit of money pumped into it
Sep 14 14:24:56 <VP|bofh>    here's khtml, which has received billions in free labor from Apple
Sep 14 14:25:09 <VP|bofh>    fuck moz, the khtml product is better
Sep 14 14:25:17 <VP|bofh>    this is why chrome uses web kit
Sep 14 14:25:23 <carlsb3rg>    well
Sep 14 14:25:36 <VP|bofh>    the only reason chrome uses a tiny bit of moz code for js is because they were waiting to buy other companies with better js engines
Sep 14 14:25:38 <carlsb3rg>    a very nice anecdote/summary
Sep 14 14:25:58 <carlsb3rg>    but the end result is that chrome is currently the best browser
Sep 14 14:25:58 <VP|bofh>    safari and chrome are the two biggest fuck yous anyone has ever given to mozilla
Sep 14 14:26:05 <carlsb3rg>    despite some irritating flaws
Sep 14 14:26:24 <VP|bofh>    and if you think that is bad, wait until IE 10 or IE 11 when there is turnover in MS management
Sep 14 14:26:29 <carlsb3rg>    mozilla fucked themselves too
Sep 14 14:26:34 <VP|bofh>    and somebody way up there decides that IE needs to switch html engines
Sep 14 14:26:39 <carlsb3rg>    lol
Sep 14 14:26:40 <VP|bofh>    and see who the fuck they are going to reuse
Sep 14 14:26:44 <VP|bofh>    moz or webkit
Sep 14 14:27:03 <VP|bofh>    if IE switches to webkit, there is no more mozilla
Sep 14 14:27:24 <carlsb3rg>    mozilla killed themselves when they bloated firefox and started putting in the crap we hated IE for
Sep 14 14:27:32 <VP|bofh>    yes, that
Sep 14 14:27:38 <VP|bofh>    BUT MOZ IS OPEN
Sep 14 14:27:44 <carlsb3rg>    who cares
Sep 14 14:27:47 <carlsb3rg>    :D
Sep 14 14:28:32 <carlsb3rg>    the actual rendering engine is getting easier and easier to implement
Sep 14 14:28:58 <carlsb3rg>    surprisingly since expected browser capabilities are increasing
Sep 14 14:29:56 <carlsb3rg>    but the fact that standards compliance and speed are what everyone wants makes it easier than in the old days when people were doing their own shit with dhtml/css/caching etc
Sep 14 14:30:01 <VP|bofh>    take the engine out of the browser
Sep 14 14:30:08 <VP|bofh>    take the hardware rendering out of the browser
Sep 14 14:30:22 <carlsb3rg>    now everyones got unlimited bandwidth and the standards are well-documented
Sep 14 14:30:23 <VP|bofh>    fuck it, make the JS engine a drop in thing
Sep 14 14:30:29 <carlsb3rg>    yeah
Sep 14 14:30:34 <VP|bofh>    since JS is so fucking important now with ajax
Sep 14 14:30:58 <VP|bofh>    using IE and the site looks like shit with IE renderer, click the radio button to switch to webkit renderer

Don't jerk off to this

Don't Jerk Off To This - watch more funny videos

ISO: PHP developer in local DC area

I am posting this as a favor to a former colleague, this posting is not at my current company, and I know absolutely nothing about the posting agency, so buyer beware:

Web Developer A Washington D.C. research firm seeks a web developer with basic computer network experience to work with a graphics and web team.
Our client is committed to promoting the free-market system and they use aggressive and edgy messaging campaigns to change the debate on behalf of high-profile clients. With over 20 years of experience, they manage roughly 30 websites to help promote their clients’ interests and issue areas. Downtown DC location, lucrative financial incentive plan, and non-stop adrenaline provided.

Direction

         Website development project management (front-end layout, and back-end programming to meet client needs)

         Advise clients on website content – including designing site information architecture and adapting print/static content for use on the web

         Expertise and advisement on social media and online marketing trends

         Basic IT support for staff of 25

Skill sets needed:

• PHP and ColdFusion (Application programming)
• XHTML, CSS2, JavaScript, jQuery (Front-end website programming)
• MS SQL and MySQL; Access expertise a plus (Database programming and administration)
• Basic LAMP (Linux/Apache/MySQL/PHP) server management

Skill Sets Desired:

• Social media and online marketing implementation
• Firewall administration (SonicWALL)
• Adapting print/static content for use on the web (in terms of how content is written and organized)
• Photoshop, Illustrator, Flash, and InDesign expertise

 If you are interested, email me at pedro dot vera at gmail dot com and I'll get you in touch with the recruiter.

Go ahead, laugh

 There's a special circle of hell for those that find the two different WTF's in this picture.

Work Holiday Lazy Vacation | Labor Day Ecard | someecards.com

New baby onboard!

Congratulations to morgajel and whatshername for baby #2. Baby #2 was 8 pounds, 3 ounces and, according to Pytte, has a 20.5 inch cock. 

Apple may be looking to lock out unauthorized iOS users

Image by pvera via FlickrThe moral outrage starts in 3..2..1

This one is going to be awesome because it is really skirting the law on what a company can force you to do when you agree to use a product or service. Think car parts: Ford can't keep you from buying non-Ford branded parts for your car, which means cheaper brake pads for you. If you could only buy brake pads from Ford, they would be able to price them based on what the market would bear. Because they have to compete with a lot of third party vendors, they have to price theirs accordingly. The same way, Ford can't force you to use a specific brand of gas or lubricants, or drive through specific roads, etc. 

If Apple tries to do this with their phones, they will eventually find themselves explaining to a judge why this behavior isn't anti-competitive. Is Apple entitled to shut down your phone if you don't use it the way they want you to? Why not just void the warranty? Sign the firmware with a horribly complex key, then whenever somebody tries to claim warranty on a phone check the signature. If it fails, refuse service, the same way they refuse service if the water sensor has been triggered. 

What's probably going to happen is that they are going to turn iOS into a Windows-like license. If the device boots up, and it doesn't detect a valid license, everything except 911 and calling the phone company is disabled. This will probably be legal, because all Apple is doing is making sure that the software has been paid for, something that Microsoft has been trying to do all along. It is going to be a bit of a rough start for Apple because they are not used to locking their consumer operating systems with keys. They do with commercial products, but not the desktop version of OSX. 

Jailbreakers are going to bitch about it, but Apple can always decide to treat jailbroken copies of OSX as illegal copies, since the license doesn't grant you any right to tamper with the OS signatures, a security measure. 

Related articles by Zemanta

• Jailbreaking your iPhone might be legal but Apple still wants to cut you off at the knees (inquisitr.com)

Just admit it's funny

New home for #asp blog

Tumblr is becoming more unstable, so we have relocated to Blogger. Users with author rights in the Tumblr blog should have received invites for similar access in Blogger.

New services for #asp users

No, this isn’t a repost.

The following free services are available to any regular #asp user, courtesy of our (supposedly) not evil ruling overlords: Google. If you have to ask what makes a user a “regular” then it means you are probably not one.

• mail.aspchan.net 
• calendar.aspchan.net 
• wave.aspchan.net 
• Contacts 
• Calendar and Contacts Sync to mobile devices 
• docs.aspchan.net 
• sites.aspchan.net this is basically a wiki 
• Google Talk (this works with any Talk address, it is not locked up to traffic between aspchan.net addresses) 
• start.aspchan.net this is an iGoogle portal 
• short.aspchan.net this is a URL obfuscation service 

Quantities are limited, first come, first served. We have already created accounts for most of the regulars and we can accommodate up to 50.

Oh no... it's the new Jenkem!

Link: Oh no... it's the new Jenkem!

Just when you think the country folk couldn’t get any more stupid…

Close Talker : Savage Chickens – Cartoons on Sticky Notes by Doug Savage

Happy Canada Day to our resident commies. 

Undernet instability

Reminder: If you run into trouble trying to connect to Undernet, try to join #asp on Quakenet, there is at least one of us in there 24/7. We can help you find an alternate Undernet server to connect to. 

ISO: Web developer, DC region (no, this is not a repeat)

My employer, who runs the most kickass, greatest little web shop in the DC Metro area, is now looking for one more programmer to add to our band of misfits. This is a permanent, full-time (not contract) position.

What we want:

1. A “programmer” that groks programming, not somebody that is proficient in one language and can’t deal with anything else.

2. Our weapon of choice is ASP.net, it is not a requirement for hire, but you must learn it in a reasonable time. Our last hire walked in with solid programming experience and literally zero knowledge of .net, and he had no trouble whatsoever picking it up (it was actually a bit scary how fast he learned it).

3. We are all proficient in SQL, not specialized in one given flavor. We want people that understand SQL well enough to switch between products with minor adjustments. The idea here is that a programmer needs to understand relational databases, and he/she must really understand ANSI SQL as a language.

4. Troubleshooting skills are critical, there is no way around this. If you can’t troubleshoot, we don’t want you.

5. Communication skills are critical. Our programmers deal with customers directly, and can’t afford to fall back on the project manager. We ride the phones a lot, it is a reality of life for our line of business. If you are the kind that doesn’t like to talk on the phone or that can’t write coherent emails, please don’t bother.

6. 99% of the programming that we do requires a high degree of autonomy with very little supervision. Our ideal programmer understands how to fill-in the blanks from general guidelines. If you need every deliverable broken into 20 bullet points stating every little thing, this is not the kind of job for you.

7. We are BUSY and we frown on clock punchers. Our boss has a really simple way to deal with grumpy overworked programmers: he throws money at us until we shut up. Expect to work like hell and be rewarded handsomely for it. To offset this, we have a really kickass flex schedule.

8. We are process-oriented to a fault, which is one of the reasons why we are so popular with our customers.

9. We pride ourselves in our ability to overcome any technical hurdle. Our customers keep coming back to us because instead of saying that something cannot be done, we are ready and able to offer them multiple alternative approaches.

What you get:

1. Challenging work. We will give you migraines from the puzzles that you have to deal with.

2. We are busy in the middle of a recession. While others don’t know where the next project is coming from, we are always wondering how we are going to fit one more project.

3. We have a very tight technical team, and our management speaks geek. The good news is this means that management usually understands whatever technical approach you are trying to pitch. The bad news is that it is almost impossible to get away with a bluff on technical merits.

4. Very competitive compensation, including quarterly bonuses paid based on billable work (the more you bill, the bigger the bonus), not on performance appraisals that are adjusted against a Bell curve behind your back.

5. The usual health, etc. that everyone else gets.

6. 100% telecommuting. Right now we are scattered over the mid Atlantic states. We have had employees on both coasts, basically it all depends on your specific workload. The company provides laptop, VoIP phone, company card, etc.

7. Flexible scheduling. Again, this depends on specific workload.

If you are interested, please send me your resume and cover letter and we’ll take it from there. Principals only, please.

Thanks (I guess) to @morgajel for showing me this one.

<VP|bofh> then you are not doing bad
<VP|bofh> my problem is I have a gut
<VP|bofh> skinny legs and arms, and a gut, I don’t even have love handles
Kilometrico (~do@bb116-15-184-184.singnet.com.sg) has joined #asp
Kilometrico (~do@bb116-15-184-184.singnet.com.sg) has left #asp
lanshark has quit (Ping timeout)
<morgajel> VP|bofh: obviously we’re both drinking too much beer
<VP|bofh> right
<VP|bofh> I don’t touch alcohol
<morgajel> … that was the joke
<morgajel> neither do I

Why you might want to mark Amazon wish lists as private

Talk about fueling the already combustible defect-targeting humor on the channel. Way to go, K_F! (Complete list)

This is dedicated to all our friends and peers that are riding the phones today, most of them against their will. 

I would like to dedicate awesome puppy to myself, for what I just made SVN do. Oh yeah.

Chatroulette

Posting this was a lot harder that it should it be.

Today is Pytte’s birthday. DO NOT click on his links. Ever. 

Just saying …

LOL WHUT?

ISO: Web developer, DC region

I have a lead for a .net/C#/MySQL programming consulting opportunity in the DC area. If you are interested or know somebody that is interested please ask me in the channel or email me. 

This photo has absolutely NOTHING to do with either of unEZ or Landshark’s recent disappearances. No sir, I’m just going to leave this here just for the hell of it.

/me walks away casually